Josie Uncensored

Over the course of my life, I have held many and I mean MANY diaries. I even have a poetry journal from my super awkward personality years. Throughout my life I feel that I have tried out many different personas and I hope that these many diary entries show how different I was throughout my many years filled with awkwardness.
To be completely honest, some of the entries will be altered a small bit, just to change names, but other than that they will be the same. Now without further adu… My diaries😳 (I’m scared)


(My many diaries…)

Teusday February 5, 2013

OMG! In science today we learned what kind of fingerprints we had, here’s what mine looked like.


I had the same prints for my Right hand. We almost have Valintines day. I have high hops and hop (he who shall not be named😉) gets me a special card! 😊 (I actually drew a smiley face, this was my Dork Diaries phase) I really hope he does but he probebly won’t

(Insert super embarrassing picture I drew that I will not show for it is way too embarrassing!!!)

POP! (That was my dream bubble pooping, I know that this will not happen🙁

Well anyway we made Valintine Day mailboxes. There big hearts that we wove. There actually pretty cool!😀 We made the same thing in 1st or 2nd grade.

After school today I had drama. At drama the grossest thing BTW the show I’m in is piretes my name is purple Prelude. Piretes is about piretes in a sing compatishen when a stowaway sneaks on board. When they go to the contest the king gets Laringutis and can’t sing. Then they find out the stowaway is a good singer. He becomes a pirete. Then they meet Mermaids who teach them how to dance. Weird right!😀

Well the gross thing that happend is my nail fell off.

After Drama I had Drama in the Piretes I’m Blue Baritone. (To clarify, I was in two versions of this play at the same time.) We ran through the hole show. Then for dinner I had hotdogs.

(A song I wrote in fourth grade. I actually thought this was good…)

What is in the sky? Why can’t we fly? Sometimes I watch the clouds go by and sometimes I wonder why? Refrain: Why oh why can’t we fly? Why can’t we see the sky? (I mean, what were you thinking young me??? Of course we can see the sky, I think I met to say touch the sky. It just goes on after that for three more verses that I won’t bore you with.)


And now, some poetry I wrote in sixth grade. I’m so strange.

There are witches and pumpkins. There are ghosts and pets. On Halloween there are people as munchkins. Wait do I see people dressed as toilets?

The weirdest thing is, I didn’t even write this on Halloween. I wrote it on Easter. And now, another one…

The footsteps are faint. The color is brown. The walls are covered in paint. Eddie is a clown. What will we do? The time is now. My clothes are new. We all say wow. So lend me your hand. Your head is too small. The beach has sand. You are too tall. I hope you fall. Give me a call. 😏😂

That one was extremely strange. I was just a total weirdo in sixth grade. I’ll admit it.

Now some excerpts from one of my favorite diaries…

(From my school talent show)

The hamster dance went really well. They even started clapping to the rythem. And by “They” I mean the audience. My hamster costume didn’t look like the one I drew (reference to earlier entry). It was more like this.


Me, Lana, and Katie started on stage while the other 5th graders snuck in. Then Me, Lana, and Katie stayed on stage while the 5th graders pulled the rest of our group onstage. My favorite part of the dance is at the end when everybody falls down because the dance takes a lot of energy. The 2nd graders are the last people standing. Then all the second graders fall down except for my sister Adele. She starts doing her own little dance. Then she takes her sunglasses off and looks around. Adele pretends to notice that everyone is down on the floor. Then she just sits down and lays on the ground.

(This was the diary of the summer going into Middle School. The talent show is the last day of school.)

In the end of that last diary I made an acknowledgement section as well as quotes from the New York Times and People Magazines. I even added in a copyright sign. Some of those previously mentioned quotes include… “Hillarously awesome.”-New York Times and “Love this book.”-People Magazine. I was very full of myself before I entered middle school.

There’s a lot more of entries to share, but I tried to do an entry or two per diary. I have more diaries, but I feel as if those are too recent for me to share. (I have about three from 7th grade.) I will conclude this entry with a poem.

Stay Gold,

Josie

The king is bathing in his stew. He loses his left show.                                                         Ka-Blam (That was the sound of this blog ending.)

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Trouble in River City

This is a recent and very horrifying event in my life involving all of my friends. The week itself had been very stressful. You could smell the tension in the air. I was just angry with my school. Anyways, we were all walking into science when our teacher/principal told us to head downstairs. We were confused, usually when he does this it means that we will being outside, but you could tell that today was different. 

Our principal sat us against the wall and said to us in a very stern voice, “If you have ever called Mrs. Smith, Smithy, go sit in the cafeteria.” I was very confused. Everyone including last years eighth graders have called her that. June and Beyoncé were sitting next to me and I’ve heard them both say it so I thought to myself, If they go, I’ll go. I’m sure that they were thinking the same thing. 

The usual suspects headed into the cafeteria. I felt bad about not going in there because these people were my friends and I was letting them take the blame for me. 

Inside the gym, where the “innocent kids” had gone, June and I started talking. We started talking about how we were letting people take the punishment for us. “Come on guys! We’re just as guilty as them!” I pleaded to the rest of my friends. I figured that if we had a larger group, we wouldn’t be in as much trouble for lying. Only June came, which was fine, but walking up to our principal was one of the scariest moments in my life. Right before we got to talk to him, he came in and screamed, “If you forgot you’ve called her that, come out.” I mumbled, “That’s what we were about to tell you.” And scurried out. I sat down next to a guy in my class and June. 

Our principal made us all grab our phones and pull up our parent’s contact. Some of my friends had already lost it, but I doubted that he would actually make us call our parents. We said something that everyone had said, even in front of their parents. I think everyone’s parents would be pretty ticked off if we had to call them at work. I didn’t eat any lunch that day, I didnt want to, I just wasn’t hungry. 

I still hadn’t lost it yet, but my anger was about to overflow and turn into tears so I headed upstairs. Most of my friends were already up there. I just wanted to write. I wanted to write down everything that I didn’t like about my life. I felt as depressed and empty as Holden Caulfield. For the first time I was using his pessimistic logic when looking at moments in my life. I had never felt this empty before, I felt like no matter what happened, nothing could get better. I felt like I was in a deep hole that I could never escape. 

My friends and I just sat by the lockers and had a good cry. Teachers would walk past us without even acknowledging us. Only one asked us if we were ok. Finally another teacher told is in a tone less soothing than nail on a chalkboard, that we had to clear out. We moved our tears to the bathroom. We just stood in their, hating life more than we ever had before. We had never experienced so much drama and the funny thing is, the kids weren’t even creating it. I honestly just wanted to slam the cards life had dealt me on the poker table and quit this twisted poker game filled with cheaters and judgemental people who have no clue what you’re going through. 

I’m generally a happy person, but I’m also extremely emotional. Emotions hit me like a bag of bricks so this sadness hit hard and took me a couple of days to recover from. I’m not even fully recovered yet because I absolutely do not want to go back to school. Not after this. How am I expected to feel safe after this?

Stay Gold,

Josie

(Today was also a more serious post, but I had to write it.)

My Wishes for the Future

I have many different plans for the future. I have huge expectations for the future Josie to fulfill. My main goal is to basically live a life with no regrets. I want to see everything and make the most of my time on Earth. Isn’t that all anyone wants to do? While I have goals, I also have wishes that are more of a dream that will not happen. I will not get into my goals at the moment, as this is an essay about my wishes for the future.

“Only the diamond in the rough may enter!” A giant cave, shaped like a lion’s head, bellowed at me. “Um… Yeah, you asked for the diamond in the rough and I am a total diamond! I am like The Great Star of Africa times ten!” I exclaim, flipping my hair and stepping forward. “Take only the lamp!” The cave hollers. “Whatever.” I say, entering the cave. I look around an think to myself, Why can’t I take all of these amazing jewels? I don’t want a lamp! I want all of this gold!  I reach out and almost grab a sparkling gold necklace until I remember that scene from Mummy where that guy gets crushed in the pyramid. That movie freaked me out!

After a while of walking and resisting temptation to grab gold, I finally spot what I’ve been looking for. The lamp! I excitedly run up to it. Maybe there’s an actually diamond inside. That would explain why the guy said diamond in the rough!, I think to myself. I eagerly grab it and examine the lamp. Much to my dismay, it was just an ordinary lamp. “Stupid lamp.” I said out loud, throwing the lamp on the floor in frustration. Suddenly blue smoke filled the room. Outside of the lamp came a genie. “Of course! The genie in the lamp cliche!” I exclaimed. The genie looked offended. “Umm… excuse me! I am not a “cliche”! I am 100% original.” The genie scoffed. “Um… Tell that to every story a genie is in.” I told the genie. “Touche.” The genie said, raising an eyebrow and crossing it’s arms. “What are you doing here genie?” I asked. “Uhh… I don’t know, I’m preaching about the end of the World. What do you think I’m doing here? I’m a genie! Genies grant wishes!” The genie exclaimed. “Oh, well then, I wish I had a million wishes!” I wished. “You can’t do that.” The genie told me. I was not settling for that excuse. “I wish I could do that.” I wished again. “No, no, no, no! Their are rules!” The genie shouted. “I wish there-” I started, but the genie cut me off. “Please, just make three wishes.” The genie pleaded. “Ok, fine.” I said, “Here are my wishes…”

I hope you liked my introduction for this essay. Anyways let’s get to my top three future wishes, not goals.

My first wish is a defiantly unrealistic. My wish would to one day be an actress on SNL, like Aidy Bryant or Kate McKinnon. I know that this will never happen, but it would be a dream come true to at least even get the chance to host SNL. Sadly I am not anywhere near funny enough or confident enough to ever be on SNL. As I’ve mentioned before, I am awfully shy, and I probably would be horrible at stand-up and impressions, but this is one of my wishes. I’d have a better chance of being elected president (Which is actually one of my goals, so vote for Josie 😉 ) than ever ending up on SNL. Maybe when I’m president I’ll be asked to host or even better, maybe someone will do an impression  of me!

My second wish for my future is to go to space. This one is really reaching for the stars. 😉 See what I did there? You know, because stars are in space! I crack myself up. Anyways, this one is also very near impossible because I have no desire of ever becoming an astronaut. I don’t want visiting space to be my job. I just want to visit space once. Unless I become a trillionare who lost her childhood fear of space, this will not happen.

My third wish would be to win the Nobel Peace Prize for literature perhaps. You can probably see why these are all in the wish category and not my actual goals. Winning this prize would be another dream come true or I guess, wish come true. I have no doubt in my mind that this will not happen unless I am the luckiest person alive. Well, I suppose it could happen if I work for it.

I wish (“Ummm… Excuse me! I SAID ONLY THREE WISHES!” Genie exclaims) I had an actual genie to grant these wishes.(“Am I not an actual genie?” Genie asks, offended.) You know, maybe I shouldn’t  cross these things out. They really could happen if I’m willing to try my hardest to accomplish them.

Stay Gold,

Josie

The Awkward Years

The beginning if Fifth grade all The way though eighth grade are the years often deemed the “Awkward Years.” There are many factors contributing to the awkwardness of these years, but the main factor is probably puberty. Yep, puberty, that three syllable word that is a horror to everyone. It causes mood swings, discomfort, and the worst of all, horrible yearbook photos. (Seriously, I am the queen of bad yearbook photos. Is it too much for me to ask to look good in at least one yearbook photo? Seriously? Even when I try it looks horrible!) I am in eighth grade and apparently should be ending the “Awkward Years” (also sometimes referred to as middle school), but I really don’t think I’ll ever escape this death grip the “Awkward Years” have on me. 

I just going to be honest and just tell you that I am a very socially awkward person. I’m not photogenic whatsoever, I can be very shy around new people, I don’t have the best sense of style. You see, I’m the kind of person who will run into their crush (who doesn’t like them back because life isn’t some rom-com) and drop all their things, spill their coffee, and fall on their face. My crush, embarrassed, quickly walks away without even helping. 

And now, a very short anecdote to describe who awkward I am. 

I was shadowing a highschool with my good friends Skylar, Autumn, and May. Knowing me, you can guess that I was pretty excited and expected the day to be a taste of Heaven that I would soon be able to indulge in. I wasn’t even in the school before my bag opened up, I was carrying it upside down, and all of my things fell out! All of the highschool students could witness my public humiliation. I’m kidding, it wasn’t that bad, but it was still embarrassing. Thank you awkward years. I mean, this will probably happen everyday of my highschool years, but it was still embarrassing. 

I’m actually beginning to doubt that the Awkward Years are in fact real. I’m beginning to think that the Awkward Years are going to last my whole life. Now thinking about it, I realize that I’ve been very awkward my entire life. From tough and strong Josie to rude fourth grade Josie, I’d always be the kid to fall on their face. 

If the Awkward Years do last my whole life, then I’m finished. How could I possibly handle falling on my face at eighty years old? What if I pass on my awkwardness to my children? What if I never get married because I trip and fall and get into a coma and forget everything on my way up aisle???

To be honest, and not exaggerate, I’m proud of my awkwardness. It’s like 80% of my personality. I mean, I have a blog where I tell all of my feelings, if that doesn’t make me an awkward individual I don’t know what does! 

If your awkward then you’ll understand that when you are awkward you’re sometimes proud of how awkward you are. I am proud to be awkward and also somewhat embarrassed, but I’m always embarrassed because I’m awkward so I’m used to it. 

I think one of the most awkward moments of my life was my first dance. Ugh, it was so incredibly awkward. So, there were these people there that we had never met because the dance was for an abundance of different schools, and I was dared to dance with someone. My friend from another school found me someone to dance with. I really wish I hadn’t taken the dare because when you are dancing with a person you never met before, the music is too loud for you to get to know each other, so the air is just thick with awkwardness. And me, being such and awkward person, had a one way conversation by trying to scream over the music. I spent the rest of the night avoiding that guy. Lesson learned. 

In the end, “smooth” just isn’t the right word to describe me and I accept that. I’ll just be my perfectly awkward self and nobody can bring me down!

Stay Gold,

Josie

Please, Be Yourself

I am pleading, begging, imploring you to please be yourself. In all complete honesty this is an especially challenging thing to fully accomplish. If one does the slightest, almost unnoticeable thing in order to heighten one’s self in the eye of their acquaintance, such as chuckling at a farce one did not truly find particularly funny, is one being true and honest with one’s self? Another illustration of this is whence one writes in order to awe others by writing in unusually formal tone. One’s goal is to extract the originality out of their piece de resistance, but I ask you, dear reader, can something be a masterpiece if it has no originality?

Many among men have tried to concentrate the originality out of my work, but none among men have succeeded. I shall never let them succeed, for I, Josephine, am completely and totally original!

Wow, you almost fell asleep, right? I found myself drifting off a few times while writing this. See this, is how I would write if I did not want to be true to myself, in other words, this is how I have to write whenever I’m writing a papar. See, this blog is the only place I can write what I want to write, how I want to write it. That’s a tongue twister. I can crack jokes if I’d like, (I guess I wouldn’t really call them jokes. They’re more of my pathetic jabs at comedy) I can write in any tone I’d like, I can relate to my posts, I can make them personal, I could even write a story if I’d like. No one could judge me for making the essay personal or for having a few measly mistakes. I know that it doesn’t always get you a good grade to write in the style that your expierence creates, but try your hardest to keep a tiny bit of yourself in any essay that you write in order to keep it true to yourself or your beliefs or your opinions.

Don’t try to pretend to be something your not, that’s what I’m trying to say with this analogy that probably only pertained to me. I know what it’s like to feel like you have to fit in and do what everyone else thinks is cool. Let me tell you something, one definition of cool is, “not affected by strong feelings,” so don’t let what other people say affect you. You do you! Be yourself.

You are probably very annoyed with me. I mean, be yourself is phrase recited millions of times. I’ve heard it millions of times, you’ve heard it millions of times, we all have! It’s sort of lost it’s meaning because it is now sometimes used as a lecture. Please take this to your heart because I do not to intend this to be a lecture and I  will not put this out there and then critisize you for being true to yourself. If you’re a girl and you’re amazing at sports, but the guys are all mean to you about it, don’t let that hold you back. Join every sports team that you desire. If you’re a guy who loves fasion well then hit me up, cause I need help, oh and also, don’t let anyone be rude to you because you’re talented and you love what you do! Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t amazing because you are amazing. No matter what you write, what you’re good at, what you believe, you are amazing and the best version of you is, well, you. So, please, be yourself.

Stay Gold,

Josie

I hope you don’t mind me posting something that is more serious. I know that this isn’t really an autobiography, it’s more of a memoir, I just can’t change the website name. 😉

The Struggle for Eyebrows (And Other First World Problems)

“Hi I’m Josie and (sniff) I have no eyebrows. I started to notice this problem in sixth grade. It… It just tore me apart. Now I fill in my eyebrows and I feel like I’m living a lie. “I’m sorry ma’am, but this is an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.” Oh? It is? Oh, uh sorry. I guess I’ll see you later than. (Pulls out phone.) Um, hi, it’s me again. I messed up the location. Where is the Eyebrow Fillers Anonymous meeting?”                                           Excerpt From Josie’s Future

The main thing that bugs me is the fact that I have no brow game. It’s really not fair. When I first noticed this I tried to find ways to naturally grow in eyebrows. I put petroleum jelly on my brows, I searched millions of ways to naturally tint brows, and I even tried filling them in with mascara which did not work out because I don’t have black hair. Finally I decided to fill them in. I know it is not a very long-term solution, but it works. I am a proud benebabe so I use Benefit’s Goof Proof Brow Pencil. This brow pencil has saved me so many times and I honestly love it so much. (This  blog is not sponsored by Benefit.) Thanks to Benefit I now have brows, which is amazing! Problem solved.

See this is what you would call a third world problem. Okay fine, it’s a first world problem, It just feels like a third world problem. I actually have a lot of first world problems. Here are some of the worst.

Now Presenting… The Problems of Josie!

Now I’m pretty sure that this is a problem a lot of us Americans face. The problem where your phone is on one percent or almost dead is just horrible! You rush all over the house searching and searching for a charger, but alas, there is none to be found. This happens to me way too often. I hate it when you are in the middle of a very important conversation and your phone decides it hates it’s life and dies or when you are out and there is this amazing photo opportunity, but your phone doesn’t agree with you on the photo and dies. Like honestly phone, could you not have held on for any longer? They should make a phone that does not ever run out of battery, I know that this is wishful thinking, but could it hurt to at least try?

Another problem that just tears me apart is when teachers assign too much homework for any of the students to handle. Not even that intelligent kid who is always on top of things. (Cough cough, me.) It is just so frustrating because you are trying to explain that you already have a lot of homework and you are very busy that night, but for some reason the teachers take your cri de coeur and mistake for annoying complaining. We are genuinely telling you that we already have a lot of homework, not complaining. And then you’re exhausted and completely stressed out the next day because you were up until 12:00 a.m. doing homework. I know I said that the homework load isn’t that bad, but there are some days like this.

Another problem I often experience that is also very common is bad hair days. They happen to often. I just loathe it when my hair gets all greasy so I have to wear it in a ponytail. This is more of a pet peeve, but I also hate it when your hair is just gorgeous and you are just feeling yourself and then you get in the car and the driver so generously rolls down the windows therefore ruining your gorgeous hair. I always have to stop myself from screaming, “WHY WOULD YOU ROLL THE WINDOWS DOWN WHEN THE CAR HAS AIR CONDITIONING?” It is a very valid question because it nonsensical to roll down the windows when there is air conditioning. Hair is often very hard to work with so please do not selfishly roll down the windows or mess with my hair. Thank you.

Another first world problem that I face is having no food to eat at my house! This problem usually happens towards the end of the week when your mom hasn’t gone shopping for awhile. You come home from a long day of school and joyfully open up the pantry, but to your dismay, all that you can find inside is cobwebs. You can’t even find healthy food that is safe to eat! Of course you can’t get your own food because you still have to wait two more years before you can drive. It is moments like these when I feel like everyone in the World is against me.

One problem that I absolutely hate is when you’re shopping and you see the cutest outfit ever encountered by men, but when you look at the price tag it reads, Not in a Million Years. Then the week after that encounter, all you can think about is how cute you would look in that very expensive outfit.

These are some problems I expierance. I know, I know, you probably think less of me after reading this, but I’m being honest, these problems are just so annoying.

Stay Gold,

Josie

 

 

Man, the Girl (Me!) is Non-Stop!

Once upon a time, my mother was driving me to a soccer game. It was a very cold and dreary morning. It was also too early for my mind to function. I was sitting in our car, curled up in a blanket, and half asleep when my life was completely changed. My mom started playing this amazing soundtrack that I had never heard before. The music touched me like no song had ever done before. I asked her what it was and she told me that this incredible music was named Hamilton.

Before Hamilton, rap was foreign to me, but now I wish I had started listening to rap sooner. I loved Hamilton even before I knew the story. When I first started listening to it my mom wasn’t playing the soundtrack in order so I heard Alexander Hamilton followed by You’ll be Back. Keep in mind that I was a complete Hamilton novice at this time. It was especially confusing when George Washington came into play. 

 

Now I know so much about the life of Alexander Hamilton that I could write a ten page essay on the topic. 

Whenever I’m writing I feel like I’m Alexander Hamilton. When ever I have a crush on someone, but I can’t be with them or they don’t like me back (this is more often the case😂) I feel like Angelika Schuyler. When I lose myself in a daydream about France I feel like Thomas Jefferson. No matter what the circumstance, I can always relate it to Hamilton. 

Right now, my main accomplishment in life is that I can rap all of Guns and Ships. I might not be as good as Daveed Diggs, but I can do it. Don’t believe me? LAFAYETTE! Imtakinthishorsebythereinsmakinredcoatsredderwithbloodstains LAFAYETTE! andimnevergonnastopuntilimakemedropburnemupandscattertheirremainsim LAFAYETTE! watchmeengaginemescapinemenraginemim LAFAYETTE! I go to France for more funds (Lafayette), I come back with more guns… And you know the rest. That wasn’t  even my favorite part of that song. I love it when Marquis de Lafayette says  , “Practical tactical brilliance!” That phrase is just so fun to rap! I love Guns and Ships. I also love Yorktown, My Shot, Washington on Your Side, Dear Theodosia, Wait for it, Aaron Burr, Sir, and every other Hamilton song ever written. 

Who would’ve thought that the next thing I would be obsessed with was the Founding Fathers? 

Let me just say, Hamilton completely changed the meaning of the ten dollar bill to me. I now look at it in awe thinking, this man did so much for our country. Before Hamilton, when I saw the ten dollar bill I just thought, money, money, money. 

Hamilton is really what got me into politics in the first place. My dream of being a politician was sparked by Hamilton. When I get mad I write because of Hamilton. I even got so angry at Hillary Clinton that I had to write my feelings in the form of a letter and send it to her. I’ll count that as my vote because I can’t vote yet. 

My role model right now is Lin-Manuel Miranda. The man is a genius. He’s written two amazing plays. He’s a very inspirational person. 

Now, if you haven’t ever heard of Hamilton, I implore you to go out and listen to it. I guarentee you, you will love it and will soon be able to rap Guns and Ships as well. 

Stay Gold,

Josie